I am hopelessly in love with the concept of the Law of Attraction. As a schoolgirl with a very impressionable mind I happened to read a book called “Law of Success” by Napoleon Hill. At the time it was one of my dearest wishes to see my name on a nameplate in front of a house of my own. My OWN. Reading the book inspired me to turn my wish into a goal and set my mind to achieving it. Almost as if on cue, I came across a story called “Glenna’s Goal book” in one of the Chicken Soup books. It cemented my belief that dreams are worth pursuing and when a wish becomes an obsession, life gets you to the place you want to be.
Almost like a divine hand gently
guiding me to believe without question, I read this sentence in Paulo Coelho’s 'The Alchemist' -
"When
you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve
it."
I don’t
remember anything else about the book. But this sentence got etched in my soul.
Then came The Secret. The book, the
movie, the philosophy, I lapped it all up because I felt I had already seen the
miracles it worked in my life. I gifted copies of the book to people I wanted
to share the joy with..the joy of having discovered something that really
works. I already had the house I had ardently wished for. I happily looked at
the nameplate with my name on it a little longer every time I passed by it. I
used affirmations religiously and whenever something positive happened, I
attributed it to the Law of Attraction and the Power of Intention. I thought
all goodness came from keeping a positive frame of mind and expecting good
things. It all seemed perfect. Until recently.
Becoming a parent is a life changing, irreversible
event. I have wanted my baby girl long before I actually had her. I remember
telling my mother when I was a teenager that if at all I do marry and have a
baby, I want a baby girl. When she was born, my joy knew no bounds. But the
beauty of motherhood is fully enjoyable only when you have people around to
help you with everything else and you just enjoy being a mother. Being a nuclear
family didn’t help my cause. In between washing bucketfuls of soiled cloth
nappies, lack of sleep and having to attend to other chores, moments of pure
joy were few and far between. I remember crying out of exhaustion, wishing I’d just get 3 hours of uninterrupted sleep.
Just when I’d begun to adjust to my new role as a mother,
we decided it would be the best thing for our baby if I were to quit my job. My
mother was a working woman. She had no choice but to go to work to provide for
her children. Thanks to a supportive husband, I had a choice. I couldn’t bear
the thought of staying away from my baby and miss watching her grow. I couldn’t
think of leaving her with a babysitter to go to work each day with an image of
her crying for me with her arms outstretched burning my soul, while I’d count
hours to be back with her. So I quit my job.
Now any working woman who is good at her job will tell
you, the financial independence and job satisfaction that comes from working
and being good at what you do has a massive impact on self esteem. The
assurance that I got from knowing my job and doing it well, the friends I had
at my workplace, the happy times I spent
at work, all the new skills I gained each day, all the little fears I conquered
each day and the many little challenges that I shone through..everything that
made Me the person I am..all gone.
It was in these days that I tried again to reconnect
with what the Law of Attraction taught me. Like attracts like. Thoughts become
things. So while I coped with the challenges of getting accustomed to being a
clueless first time mom and losing my identity as a financially independent,
career oriented woman, I tried to apply the Law of Attraction to keep thinking
positive thoughts. After a while I just gave up. It seemed like escapism to me.
I could no longer replace a negative thought with a positive one. I could no
longer shift my mood from unhappy to happy just by humming a tune or distracting
myself by looking at something nice. Its hard to stay positive when you’re
alone, listening to your baby cry for hours and have no clue why.
The exhaustion, the worries about our future, the mood
swings I had while my hormones went crazy, the unending list of chores I had to
do with baby practically attached to me, the loneliness of suddenly being home
alone all day with a bawling baby..all of it just sucked my energy and
enthusiasm. My inability to explain to my confused better half just why I wished to simply curl up and die
added to the stress. The sudden change from living a predictable, somewhat organized
life to being hurled into this whole new world of being a mother, then being a
full time homemaker was an emotional roller coaster.
I couldn’t see HOW I could use an affirmation like “I
am a joyful person” without feeling foolish. I couldn’t add any more pictures to
my scrapbook, of things I hoped to have one day. It made me feel like an idiot.
When I was earning, it made more sense to hope to have that nice modular
kitchen someday and paste a picture of a beautiful holiday destination. I knew
it would be within reach. It all seemed like I was asking for too much now.
Yesterday I picked up The Secret again. I wanted to
know if I still had a shred of belief in me that the Law of Attraction may work
for me again.
The
page I opened read “You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step” - Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. A little hope glimmered in my heart.
I remembered a quote I read somewhere - "When the world says, "Give up,"
Hope whispers, "Try it one more time."